Crazy... 4-5-10 (the monday after)

I'm losing my mind. ...I think.




the last few months have been brutal. i've changed a lot. i've come to terms with the mental expansion i'm still getting used to. or as some people call it, "growing up."
fuck it's been a brutal ride. and it's not over.
i just need some rest before summer. some more binges, some sleep, some work, some cash, some more binges, some love, some life changing experiences.
sleep is the second best thing on that list.

so it was about half a year ago that this all started. somewhere around November. i've been going on these binges of consumption, and journalizing it all. documenting it. it's my life. and when it all started i didn't know i'd end up here, typing this, waiting for the next thing around me to happen. i'm breathing, and i'm aware.

since this summer i've been experimenting with mainly Pot and DM. a bit of alcohol here and there. realizing it all now, i had the best fucking time of my life.



i'm not trying to say at all that i've "fucked some shit up." ...which i have. however it was completely and totally worth it to me. everything started in a really wierd place, and everything ended in a really wierd place. i don't mind. it's not over though, which confuses me a little. i suppose it's just slowing down for an intermission, to clean some things up first. and get back on track. so, yes. this time i'm staying sober (oh god.) i can't count how many times i've put myself in that position. but i think this time, something is truely different. i can say i know something about exhaustion. i'm tired. and i need a break. i'm like sitting in class saying to myself: "Oh, Eric just got taken off restriction. He and I need to go out, grab a dub, and celebrate on an adventure to whereever." Then I says to myself: "No, dude, no. Don't waste your money fucking up another week again. The summer is over. I need to work on school."
I think what triggered this break is the failure of my last story. I could tell I was really fucking some shit over when i turned the whole "Get Stoned in Ten Minutes" adventure (a valuble story from Into the Concrete Wild) into class. i worked my ass off on that story, and not a single god damn person took it well at all. it was just an awkward silence. no snaps, no applause, no smiles, just silence.
"Well..." Dr. Lebow begins on some obnoxiously pro-longed rant to try and point something good about it out. "I liked the 'Grocery Store Adventure' better."

awesome. where the fuck does that leave me?
depression is past me though, as i said in the last post.
it started to hit me just after new years. i guess about the time that Sarah and I parted. Jesus, was that some rough fucking closure or what? I mean, honestly, my mind still fucks with me about it occasionally.

Speaking of which, i haven't slept right in a while. last night wasn't bad. i was so exhausted that i just passed the hell out with out even realizing it. sunburns suck for sleep, but that has very little to do with this issue. what hasn't been right are my dreams. i've been having fucked up dreams for the past month or two. i mean, they aren't scary or morbid, or anything in that sense, it's just that they aren't ever good things that happen. they all seem to be things that stress me out. although, virtually, i have little stress at the moment. perhaps i have so much stress that my barrier has popped and i'm just a walking, living, stress factor. maybe that's why i've been such an asshole lately.
i've changed is what i'm trying to say, i suppose. not for good, not for bad, just changed.
i'm comfortable with that. and my life is going in a direction now.
yes.



in the mean time. the sobriety goal is until may. i don't want to put that kind of pressure in my head, so right now i'm going to focus on these first two weeks. no pot (hopefully, this shouldn't be difficult), no dm (not at all a problem). i think once i just get used to sobriety, perhaps, i'll relax a little.
i feel like some candy. ...damn.


alright.
smile.
-jonathan.

I feel (back to normal) 3-30-10

I feel on top of the world today.
I've felt great since prom.
I believe my depression has subsided.
I'm so happy to be happy again.

I'm currently wearing my friend Eric's mother's pants. I couldn't tell you why.

3-17-10 pt.2: "Wiggle Room"

Wiggle Room.

.1: Self Destruction-- okay. i've found that i haven't the slightest interest for TV anymore. i'm not going to waste my time and consciousness watching utter stupidity. why? why at all would someone watch something that makes them dumb. perhaps for the same reason people drink to get dumb. are we all in nature so motivated to self-destroy? or is this just something else that i don't understand? either way, we're all kind of fucked.

.2: The Jar is Not Yet Empty-- today my girlfriend Janey helped me figure out something today during another one of my "bitch-fits," or as i like to call them, "mental breakdowns." one occurred today around noon rather imminently. after suffocating myself in a parking lot (still have no idea where i was), i came home, red eyed and completely hollow-headed. i even ran a stop sign. talking to Janey was difficult, but i got comfortable after a little while. after a few understandings and misunderstandings, she said something along the lines of the fact that i've got my life to live, and believes in me, and in what i do. (Bless Jane,) she showed her mom "The Ridiculous, Radiant Quest for Mother's Groceries," a story i'd gotten finished with the week prior. Queen Tammy's response, she believes in me, and in the story. we talked a little while about what i intend to do with it. she's published writer and editor, herself, so i have to trust her when she says that "Into the Concrete Wild" is a very marketable idea. that aroused a great amount of excitement for me, excitement and motivation. i've come this far. i have to keep going. i can't give up on myself now. psh, depression and writers block? lolz, what would Hunter S. do?

..i've never realized how being believed in feels like until now. funny, Jules (mom!) said she believed in me before i left a conversation bubble we were having later on. it seems, perhaps, that it's all there, my love and warm center to be in. it always has been. i just stepped out unintentionally for a while.

the depression is still here. not budging. but i felt a little bit of relief today. i still can't understand fully why. but there's an update on that.

.3: "Watch Your Back!"-- I had an interesting encounter with an old friend of mine, Aaron White. Whenever i play Under the Bridge, i dedicate it to Aaron. our conversation, it struck up a lot of good mother fucking memories. (*note, the "mother fucking" was not actually needed. it was used for emphasis on how incredible and important those memories are to me) and JESUS CHRIST are there a lot of them!

I don't really have much else to say regarding Aaron other than that Aaron and I were madfucking tight from about the summer of 5th grade to the beginning of 8th. Me and Aaron were inseparable. good fucking times. he was the first best friend i've ever made in my entire life, period. i'll have to document that all down. i remember one time, i was live on CPR with fatguy. they were having a pole on everyones top 3 albums, and one of the ones i said was "MTV2's Head-banger's Ball Vol. 2" after fatguy agreed and let me off the line, Aaron turns out to be there next caller. I had no idea until I start hearing all of these albums that I knew Aaron liked. i still remember to this day, just turning to the radio in my room and realizing my best friend is in a box on my desk talking. Aaron's last album that he listed was the same as mine, Head-bager's Ball. Vol. 2, right? and the actual conversation went as follows:

Fatguy: "Oh, Head-banger's Ball. Vol. 2? Butters liked that one!"

Aaron: "Yeah, I know. He's like my best friend."

.4: An Interesting, but Difficult Conclusion With Stevie (confidence boost):

Jonathan: "These Journals are probably just bullshit, anyway."

Stevie: "...never."

.5: You know what always seems to help?

I'm serious when I say this: listening to Bone Thugs and Harmony's "Look Into My Eyes." If I'm in my car just anywhere, and that song is on, (perhaps a cigarette, or a limeade at hand), i feel calm, ...and gangster. I feel like nothing could go wrong. I'd like to die listening to that song.

.6: I, Jonathan,

...keep seeing my life as if it were a movie. And i can't wait to get started writing it all down into a screenplay that way, one day, it might be. dreams are incredible once you begin to develop and appreciate them.

.7: I, Jonathan,

...agree with Mr. Oberst in that Eventually there is nothing left to do but sleep.

.8: i think i'm really beginning to like grind-core a hell of a lot more than i used to.

.9: Good Night for Now I Suppose.

...if you want that. if you don't, well then have some Modest Mouse and check back later for more. one love or something!

Current song stuck in head: ...all of them.

Favorite at the moment: "It Was Written In Blood" -Bring Me the Horizon.

3-17-10

perhaps i don't know what i'm talking about.

perhaps i never have.

all i do is sulk and soak in these bullshit thoughts of mine.

i have nothing to say usually. yet, i'm obligated to write something.

so i blabber on about nothing.

as if something made any sense to me.

fuck.

things, things, things.

fuck your neighbors! do what makes you happy.

do what you want to do.

it's the only thing i know to say at the moment.

otherwise, i've got nothing.

3-11-10 apathy.

fuck everything.
i'm serious.

just because...

fuck you, jonathan.
i love you,
-ss



fuck me, right?
what am i supposed to do?
i'm not superman.
as much as i pretend to be, i'm not.
fuck everything.


i hate:
-hating.
-bitching.
-loving.
-existance.
-purpose.
-girls.
-prom.
-things.
-people.
-whatever.

i feel like shit. nevermind.
you know?

no matter what i do, someone is always dissapointed.
i've learned this lesson a number of times.
but, i can't seem to grasp how to fix it.
Spring Break is going to ...suck.
i'd like some smoke.


yeah.
to hell with it all, in theory.

Between the Bars.

For some reason, I play music the best when I'm alone.
I played that bottle-rocket song alone just an hour or two ago.
It felt great.