.1: Self Destruction-- okay. i've found that i haven't the slightest interest for TV anymore. i'm not going to waste my time and consciousness watching utter stupidity. why? why at all would someone watch something that makes them dumb. perhaps for the same reason people drink to get dumb. are we all in nature so motivated to self-destroy? or is this just something else that i don't understand? either way, we're all kind of fucked.
.2: The Jar is Not Yet Empty-- today my girlfriend Janey helped me figure out something today during another one of my "bitch-fits," or as i like to call them, "mental breakdowns." one occurred today around noon rather imminently. after suffocating myself in a parking lot (still have no idea where i was), i came home, red eyed and completely hollow-headed. i even ran a stop sign. talking to Janey was difficult, but i got comfortable after a little while. after a few understandings and misunderstandings, she said something along the lines of the fact that i've got my life to live, and believes in me, and in what i do. (Bless Jane,) she showed her mom "The Ridiculous, Radiant Quest for Mother's Groceries," a story i'd gotten finished with the week prior. Queen Tammy's response, she believes in me, and in the story. we talked a little while about what i intend to do with it. she's published writer and editor, herself, so i have to trust her when she says that "Into the Concrete Wild" is a very marketable idea. that aroused a great amount of excitement for me, excitement and motivation. i've come this far. i have to keep going. i can't give up on myself now. psh, depression and writers block? lolz, what would Hunter S. do?
..i've never realized how being believed in feels like until now. funny, Jules (mom!) said she believed in me before i left a conversation bubble we were having later on. it seems, perhaps, that it's all there, my love and warm center to be in. it always has been. i just stepped out unintentionally for a while.
the depression is still here. not budging. but i felt a little bit of relief today. i still can't understand fully why. but there's an update on that.
.3: "Watch Your Back!"-- I had an interesting encounter with an old friend of mine, Aaron White. Whenever i play Under the Bridge, i dedicate it to Aaron. our conversation, it struck up a lot of good mother fucking memories. (*note, the "mother fucking" was not actually needed. it was used for emphasis on how incredible and important those memories are to me) and JESUS CHRIST are there a lot of them!
I don't really have much else to say regarding Aaron other than that Aaron and I were madfucking tight from about the summer of 5th grade to the beginning of 8th. Me and Aaron were inseparable. good fucking times. he was the first best friend i've ever made in my entire life, period. i'll have to document that all down. i remember one time, i was live on CPR with fatguy. they were having a pole on everyones top 3 albums, and one of the ones i said was "MTV2's Head-banger's Ball Vol. 2" after fatguy agreed and let me off the line, Aaron turns out to be there next caller. I had no idea until I start hearing all of these albums that I knew Aaron liked. i still remember to this day, just turning to the radio in my room and realizing my best friend is in a box on my desk talking. Aaron's last album that he listed was the same as mine, Head-bager's Ball. Vol. 2, right? and the actual conversation went as follows:
Fatguy: "Oh, Head-banger's Ball. Vol. 2? Butters liked that one!"
Aaron: "Yeah, I know. He's like my best friend."
.4: An Interesting, but Difficult Conclusion With Stevie (confidence boost):
Jonathan: "These Journals are probably just bullshit, anyway."
Stevie: "...never."
.5: You know what always seems to help?
I'm serious when I say this: listening to Bone Thugs and Harmony's "Look Into My Eyes." If I'm in my car just anywhere, and that song is on, (perhaps a cigarette, or a limeade at hand), i feel calm, ...and gangster. I feel like nothing could go wrong. I'd like to die listening to that song.
.6: I, Jonathan,
...keep seeing my life as if it were a movie. And i can't wait to get started writing it all down into a screenplay that way, one day, it might be. dreams are incredible once you begin to develop and appreciate them.
.7: I, Jonathan,
...agree with Mr. Oberst in that Eventually there is nothing left to do but sleep.
.8: i think i'm really beginning to like grind-core a hell of a lot more than i used to.
.9: Good Night for Now I Suppose.
...if you want that. if you don't, well then have some Modest Mouse and check back later for more. one love or something!
Current song stuck in head: ...all of them.
Favorite at the moment: "It Was Written In Blood" -Bring Me the Horizon.
The fact that you write, that you get it on paper and on screen and out of your head and not spead out in blood on concrete. The fact that, even though you think, at times, that nothing you have to say matters--you still write, that's why you'll be somebody important. That's why, years from now, whether you're on a book shelf or in a box in my brain, I'll still say--"Yeah, jon, he was a cool kid. A really fucking cool kid. And he wrote, that was the coolest part."
ReplyDeleteBecause here's what I know. No one is cool becuase they necessarilly have things to write down, but they're cool, we're cool because we can write about /going to the grocery/ and people are going to go, "Shit, what a cool kid!"