Crazy... 4-5-10 (the monday after)

I'm losing my mind. ...I think.




the last few months have been brutal. i've changed a lot. i've come to terms with the mental expansion i'm still getting used to. or as some people call it, "growing up."
fuck it's been a brutal ride. and it's not over.
i just need some rest before summer. some more binges, some sleep, some work, some cash, some more binges, some love, some life changing experiences.
sleep is the second best thing on that list.

so it was about half a year ago that this all started. somewhere around November. i've been going on these binges of consumption, and journalizing it all. documenting it. it's my life. and when it all started i didn't know i'd end up here, typing this, waiting for the next thing around me to happen. i'm breathing, and i'm aware.

since this summer i've been experimenting with mainly Pot and DM. a bit of alcohol here and there. realizing it all now, i had the best fucking time of my life.



i'm not trying to say at all that i've "fucked some shit up." ...which i have. however it was completely and totally worth it to me. everything started in a really wierd place, and everything ended in a really wierd place. i don't mind. it's not over though, which confuses me a little. i suppose it's just slowing down for an intermission, to clean some things up first. and get back on track. so, yes. this time i'm staying sober (oh god.) i can't count how many times i've put myself in that position. but i think this time, something is truely different. i can say i know something about exhaustion. i'm tired. and i need a break. i'm like sitting in class saying to myself: "Oh, Eric just got taken off restriction. He and I need to go out, grab a dub, and celebrate on an adventure to whereever." Then I says to myself: "No, dude, no. Don't waste your money fucking up another week again. The summer is over. I need to work on school."
I think what triggered this break is the failure of my last story. I could tell I was really fucking some shit over when i turned the whole "Get Stoned in Ten Minutes" adventure (a valuble story from Into the Concrete Wild) into class. i worked my ass off on that story, and not a single god damn person took it well at all. it was just an awkward silence. no snaps, no applause, no smiles, just silence.
"Well..." Dr. Lebow begins on some obnoxiously pro-longed rant to try and point something good about it out. "I liked the 'Grocery Store Adventure' better."

awesome. where the fuck does that leave me?
depression is past me though, as i said in the last post.
it started to hit me just after new years. i guess about the time that Sarah and I parted. Jesus, was that some rough fucking closure or what? I mean, honestly, my mind still fucks with me about it occasionally.

Speaking of which, i haven't slept right in a while. last night wasn't bad. i was so exhausted that i just passed the hell out with out even realizing it. sunburns suck for sleep, but that has very little to do with this issue. what hasn't been right are my dreams. i've been having fucked up dreams for the past month or two. i mean, they aren't scary or morbid, or anything in that sense, it's just that they aren't ever good things that happen. they all seem to be things that stress me out. although, virtually, i have little stress at the moment. perhaps i have so much stress that my barrier has popped and i'm just a walking, living, stress factor. maybe that's why i've been such an asshole lately.
i've changed is what i'm trying to say, i suppose. not for good, not for bad, just changed.
i'm comfortable with that. and my life is going in a direction now.
yes.



in the mean time. the sobriety goal is until may. i don't want to put that kind of pressure in my head, so right now i'm going to focus on these first two weeks. no pot (hopefully, this shouldn't be difficult), no dm (not at all a problem). i think once i just get used to sobriety, perhaps, i'll relax a little.
i feel like some candy. ...damn.


alright.
smile.
-jonathan.